Looking at Gold Wedding Rings

After the Pottery Barn wedding registry event, I finished off the day with a little shoe shopping and then I poked around in a couple jewelry stores to try on wedding rings.  Very fun. 

I think the first jewelry store I went to to look at gold wedding bands was Belden, but I had more luck in Zales.  I was pretty sure I knew what I wanted:  a two tone gold wedding band with a twist effect to match my engagement ring.  But once I tried it on with my round solitaire it did not look nice at all!  I felt pretty disappointed.  I don't know if it's because my engagement ring is 18K gold and this was 10K or 14K, or if having more than one twist meant too much going on at once or what.  But it was not doing it for me.

The gold wedding band I did like was a pretty classic channel setting, with round stones.  It was slim, and a half caret.   

The ultra slim ones did not look nice at all, and the wider ones of course were competing too much with my solitaire.   

 Nice, but too much.

But I liked the slim channel ring, and it wasn’t much of a problem sitting against my engagement ring.  Also, the salesperson offered to clean my engagement ring (but I’d just cleaned it last night) and told me that if a diamond fell out of my band they’d replace it for free.  That’s something I need to seriously discuss with Adam.  If we buy a wedding band in England I won’t have that luxury.  I do enjoy looking at rings with him, but maybe it’s not work the potential problems years down the road.  

Wedding Registry: Pottery Barn, Peabody Massachusetts

Every once in a while I start to feel a little blue about the whole long distance relationship thing.  You’d think I’d be used to it.  You’d think that being engaged would make me feel like being apart is a temporary setback.  And of course it has helped!  But I guess it’s only normal to miss the one you love.  So being smack dab in the middle of visits (saw Adam at Christmas, visiting him in July, and it’s currently the end of March) I’ve found myself in a bit of a funk.  Hence the blog-writing hiatus.  Planning my wedding was feeling a little like I was torturing myself instead of cheering me up.

Well, today I had myself a little “bridal day.”  Pottery Barn was having a little bridal expo.  I actually got to start my first registry, which was kind of exciting.  I wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for the show, since the wedding is so far away.  In fact, I have been sort of anti-registry for a while.  I think it’s a little rude to tell people what you want them to get you unless they ask.  But people DO ask.  I like to ask people what they’d like.  I want to be sure the gift I give is one that the person will actually enjoy, so I’m sure there are others like me.  I think I might not include the registry information in with the invitation though; I’ll only tell people who ask.

It was kind of fun going around with the scanner.  I didn’t select a ton of things because, well, I’m a professional supporting myself so I own everything I need.  And if I see something I’m lacking, I tend to buy it, not wait a year and a half for someone to get it for me.  However, Adam will be moving country, and might not have everything that he wants.  So I looked around for things that I know he’s used to at home, and that he missed when he was here visiting.  That made me feel much less greedy. 

Well, the salesperson who was helping me (who by the way, was awfully cold and detached, getting Adam’s name wrong, the wedding date wrong, the venue wrong, my hometown wrong, and my password wrong) was not pleased with my Spartan list.  She told me that I didn’t have enough things on it.  I know it’s her job to sell stuff, but you don’t have to be rude about it.  She even changed my quantities on a few items to double (which I went in and changed back online once I was home).  So I smiled sweetly and told her that of course I’d be back another day with my fiancé to pick out more things!  (If and when I feel like it).  After all, he needs to have some say too.  She bought that line, and said yes, come back often.  Some seasonal items get discontinued so I need to update that list frequently.  Somehow I doubt Adam’s white towels and wine glasses are going to be taken off the shelves for summertime though.

The rest of the bridal expo was equally as rinky-dink.  There was a bridal dress shop (got mine already) a tuxedo shop (also check) and a photographer who I’ve seen all over (with photos that look totally amateur).  I didn’t even get a piece of cake because I’d waited too long, and was stuck with a slice of banana bread.  So not much new information today besides the registry.  The only thing that was new and different was a salon station where I got a free facial and “makeover.”  The concept was very cool, and it was pretty fun, although I looked worse than the 2 minute job I’d spent on myself this morning once they were done with me.  I told them at the start that if I didn’t like their work I’d wear my sunglasses out.  They laughed, and got started.  Even though I told them I have oily skin, she used an oil based cleanser on me, so I looked all slick and shiny after.  And the makeup looked pretty much like what I do on my own, just again, that shine was coming through so I looked silly.  I wore my sunglasses out.  I didn’t really care how I looked today though, and now I’ve learned about one salon that I will DEFINITELY not use for my wedding.

When I told Adam about the registry, he seemed a little bit wary at first, (he wasn’t familiar with the concept) but when he saw the few things I picked out and saw they were mostly for him, he warmed up, haha.  We even talked for a little while about what he’ll want for a desk.  It was great how this led to a nice chat about our future together, even if it was just furniture related, hehe.

So it does stink that I have to spend my engagement apart from Adam, and I do sometimes feel a little cheated that what I always thought was the most romantic phase in a relationship is lonelier than I thought, it’s days like today that help me remember that it’s not all bad!  I won’t be able to enjoy these little wedding planning perks after I’m married.  Though cuddling up with Adam on the couch will beat a greasy facial at the mall any day. 

Considering a Professional Wedding Planner

Since I’ve never planned a wedding before, and I want the day to go smoothly, I’m considering hiring a professional wedding planner.  Well, not a planner, exactly, but someone to help out with things on the day of the wedding.  I learned that what I really want isn’t a planner, but a wedding planner coordinator.

When I first started thinking about my wedding I thought that a professional wedding planner was the LAST thing I was going to want.  I’m artistic and I’m cheap.  I thought a planner would take away my artistic license and my money.  Yes, I know, you work WITH a wedding planner, going over your likes and dislikes, but still.  I wanted to pick out every last detail.  And I do a decent job of it, so I felt like a professional wedding planner was not something I wanted/needed to have to budget for.  I’d rather put the money I save toward a better string ensemble.  I assumed they’d charge a percentage of the budget, and I just didn’t like that arrangement.

But then a commenter on this blog, Anne Ruthmann, pointed me in the direction of a couple event planning companies in my area.  I looked on their website and discovered that one of the services they provide is “day of coordinating,” in which they charge by the day.

Ooh.

So wait a minute.  Does this mean I could have someone take care of setup, cleanup, and directing people?  I wouldn’t need to work up a sweat or have family members have to have little “jobs” on the day of the ceremony?  I like this idea.

So I have a new plan.  I’ll find my own wedding vendors and do my own price shopping.  I’ll create my own paper products, work with the florist on what I want for flowers, work with the baker on the design of my cake, talk to the ensemble about what songs I want, and speak with the photographer about what shots I want.  I’ll design my own table scape, pick out my own decorations and my own venue.

I’ll either sketch out how I want my ceremony and reception areas to look, or photograph mock-ups.

And then I can present all that to the wedding planner coordinator, and she can put it all into action on the day of?

If a wedding planner coordinator can do all that, the hourly rate will be TOTALLY worth it. 

Massachusetts Wedding Photographer: Anne Ruthmann

A while back I had posted my thoughts about wedding venues for my small wedding.  I'd realized renting a vacation home for a backyard wedding would fit the size, accommodate Adam's family who would be visiting from England, and be budget friendly.  Of course, a person's home isn't going to have an all inclusive wedding package, so it would put more stress on me, sorting out what needed to be done.

Enter Anne Ruthmann.  She's a photographer not terribly far from where I live, and she does do weddings.  She left me comment with supportive advice, and mentioned that I might want to hire a professional wedding planner to help things go smoothly.  When I had more questions she was happy to point me in the right direction.  Oh, and did I mention her wedding photos are BEAUTIFUL?

So I wanted to put her name out there, since she is a wedding photographer in Massachusetts, and I know that's what most of my readership is looking for!  You can see for yourself on her photography website that she does beautiful work.  But the fact that she was so helpful to me and I'm not even a paying client speaks volumes.  I've heard from friends that got married that the quality of the photos is only half the battle.  If you have someone that's got talent but doesn't listen, you will miss out on wedding photos that you wanted to happen.  So have a look at Anne's work if you're still looking for a wedding photographer here in Massachusetts.  She even says on her website she's happy to meet you at her studio for a cup of tea.  Precious. 

Wedding Etiquette: Is Timing Everything?

One thing that really bothered me on the wedding website I visited had to do with the timing of the wedding.  Now, I don’t know how the visa application process is going to work.  I don’t know how big of a window we’re going to get between the time we get the approval to marry, and the time that the visa expires if we’re not married. I feel as though there is a very real chance that this wedding could suddenly get RUSHED.  That’s why I’m looking at vendors now. And originally I told Adam it doesn’t matter, if I have to marry you at City Hall to keep you legal and then we have the ceremony a few months later, so be it.

Well according to some people, on a certain wedding website, that is a HUGE faux pas.

That made me sad. Posters said things like it makes the wedding into a big “gift grab.”  And “Shame on you for wanting a BWW (big white wedding) when a wedding isn’t about the show, it’s about getting married.”  Not to me directly.  I kept my mouth shut on there as they ripped into some other poor girl.  But it bothered me just as much.

If we end up forced to marry in, say, March, I don’t want Adam’s family to have to take a transatlantic flight for a single wedding weekend (or be stuck entertaining themselves while I work if they come for longer) on their first ever trip here to the states. As a school teacher I can’t just take a week vacation when I want.

And I don’t want a big wedding. I plan on having fewer than 25 guests. I don’t care about gifts. I own my own home and I have everything I need; people can keep their toasters.

What I DO want is to have good food, a showy dress, pretty flowers, nice music, and photos to commemorate one of the most important days in our lives. Something significant for such a significant part of our relationship. However, apparently, this is one of the tackiest things you can do for a wedding.

I think of myself as a traditional girl. I want my wedding to be traditional. White dress, classical music, white cake.  So this makes me sad. I really hope I don’t end up having to choose between a wedding that works for me and my family, and following proper wedding etiquette. Add one to the list of wedding stressors.
______________________________
Photo Courtesy of:
J El Caganer

Goodies for My Wedding: Edible Favors

With a summer theme in mind, I thought about what might make nice wedding favors.  And after browsing online for a bit, the two best options I found were edible wedding favors or plantable wedding favors. 

Really the idea for edible favors  came when I first thought about what would make good wedding favors, and found it was easier to narrow down what I did NOT want.  At my friend’s wedding, if I remember right she gave 2 favors.  The first was a tiny flower pot candle holder that had been sponge painted with green and yellow paint over the red clay, with a yellow candle inside, and a yellow candle.  The second was a tiny pillow that she and her maid of honor hand embroidered.

Of course both ended up in my closet.

I don’t have the heart to just toss stuff, but really, what else could you do with them?  When I think of all the EFFORT they put in, hand making dozens and dozens of these things, I can’t just pitch them.

So even though I used to like candles, I realized that even candles in my wedding colors would not appeal to everyone.  And I want my favors to be something that most people would appreciate.  I don’t like to waste money, and a gift that people shove in a closet seems like a waste of my money.

The plantable wedding favors section did appeal to me at first.  They’re just seeds.  They’re not something people are going to put on a shelf to gather dust, and I’m thinking people would either plant them or pitch them without much guilt.  And our name, date, and adorable little message about planting the seeds of love/love blooming/a blossoming relationship/nurturing our love, etc. etc. can go on the seed packet.  After perusing different examples I thought I could definitely replicate that look to create my own plantable wedding favors for a fraction of the cost.

But then I found saw a section of “edible wedding favors,” like the one above online, I was sold.  This is something that people will NOT keep in a closet.  They’ll either eat it, give it to someone else to eat, or pitch it.  I could still have our names and date on the container, and no one but our moms will save the container.  Everyone else can throw that part out and it’s not a big deal.  So I looked at cookies, chocolates, hot chocolate mixes, and all sorts of edible wedding favors.  I looked at fancy boxes/labels/ribbon and thought about putting my own treats inside.

And then one day after commenting on another blog, I won a giveaway!  When I looked in the edible wedding favors  section of the site sponsoring the gift card, I saw that they had these cute tea favors, like the ones below, with the couple’s name and date on the label, and a variety of colors to go on the label.  So I left a comment saying that would be perfect for my wedding, since Adam’s family is English.  Plus my mom is a huge tea drinker.  So they’d be the perfect edible favors.  And I managed to get them free!

Big relief.  Because when I see some of the wedding favors out there, they seem to fly in the face of my mission.  Not only were they stylized, but they had the couple’s names, date, and even faces on them!  Come on!  Would you really put out a coaster with your aunt and uncle’s wedding on your coffee table?  Is that really adding to the décor?  I suppose some people would, family first and all that, but all I can think of is the host of every HGTV show shaking their head and saying, “What were you thinking?”  I’m telling you, edible favors are the way to go.  If you’ve already picked out wedding favors, what sort did you go with?

Looking at Bridesmaids Dresses

I want a very traditionally themed wedding, I started looking at long, formal bridesmaids dresses.  In terms of color, I’d decided to step slightly out of my comfort zone (which is neutrals) and indulge in my new found interest in deep, rich color.  My color palette (provided we can in fact have a summer wedding) is raspberry, orange and plum.  The plum is for Adam, since he loves purple.  The orange is for me, because I love fall colors, and the raspberry seems to be the way to go to bring the two colors together in a warm, complementary way (instead of a clashing clown suit way).  Think jewel tones.  Or as another blogger recently said, think “sunset.”  I love that.  I hope she doesn’t mind me using that term! 

So when I thought about which of those 3 colors the bridesmaid dress would be, it was really about process of elimination.  An orange dress would not really say “traditional wedding here.”  If I tried to put my gothic sibling in a pink dress, she’d cuss me out and I’d end up with no maid of honor that day.  So the obvious choice for me is purple bridesmaid dresses!

But the question is, 

First              Second              Third              Fourth

The purples look elegant:

 I think they're gorgeous!  But I don't think I'd like orange and raspberry next to them.

I love the plum dresses even more.  I hope they’re not too pinkish for Adam and my sister’s taste.

I even looked at shorter bridesmaid dresses here.

I’m a little torn.  I DO want a formal, traditional look to the wedding, but on the other hand, I want it outside.  Will it look silly to be in formal gowns outside?  My dress has a train, so I think it’s a little too late to worry about being too formal and time to just embrace it.  I just hope my sister’s okay with it.  Then again, she and I are very different, but we do both love to dress up (just so happens she likes to be over the top in black and metal, but it’s still basically playing dress up).  So I’ll probably get away with it.

Bridesmaid Responsibilities: The Wedding Party as Wedding Guests and Not Slave Labor

Having had a bad experience as a bridesmaid, I started thinking about traditional (and additional) bridesmaid responsibilities and thought, “How do I expect people to serve me on my day:”

1.    Show up in semi-formal attire.
2.    Don’t air dirty laundry.

That’s about it.

I don’t get it.  Unless you’re paid vendor (in which case you’d very well better serve me and serve me like royalty if I’m paying you 3 or 4 figures) why do so many brides go off on their bridal party?  Carry my flowers, carry my train, bring me this and that.  I know they’re called bride’s “maids” but I think that’s a little appalling, actually.  On my wedding day I get to dress pretty, be showered with gifts, eat yummy food, be amongst gorgeous surroundings, hear pretty music, be amongst people who love me, and most importantly of all, I get to have the love of my life promise to spend the rest of his life with me.  Why does that also mean I would turn around and treat my family like servants?

I understand that friends and family would want to help out the bride.  They’re happy, you look like a princess, it’s natural that they just want to add to the moment, and that’s very sweet : )

But I’ve also read about brides who get mad about members of their bridal party who, “Didn’t take their bridesmaid responsibilities seriously,” like those who aren’t there to carry their train every minute, or are busy tending to their children, or are having problems scheduling time for dress shopping (not their own dresses, I mean a dress for the bride ) or who aren’t as helpful as they should be with DIY favors, flowers, invitations, and so on.  I’ve even heard of brides who were not satisfied with their bridesmaids’ weight and let that be known.  Wow.

It’s sad.  I guess people feel so much pressure to have a perfect day that their demands on everyone around them get crazy.  I’m sure it’s insecurity that they’re scared they aren’t perfect, or couldn’t orchestrate this flawless day.  I think some brides just bite off more than they can chew, and over-complicate the DIY just like some brides go over their budget.  When it comes to a wedding, enough is just not enough.  And in my mind, that’s not a good enough excuse to give a bridesmaid responsibilities that are in excess of what she can handle.

So I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to ask of my for the wedding party and attendees.  I’ll be planning and paying for the wedding myself.  Doing the paper products myself.  I plan to let my sister pick her maid of honor dress from a wide range of styles, and since she's paying if she finds one on her own instead I just need to okay it first.  I even picked a color I know she likes, like the dresses below.

 I don't care about bachelorette parties or bridal showers and I certainly won't be making her do a religious reading.  I’m not going to force her or anyone else get their hair, makeup, or nails done professionally.  I hope to hire people to do the setup because I don’t want my family to be sweaty or exhausted before the wedding.  Hopefully the only thing I’ll need help with is bustling the dress.  I hope I can have a simple one.

As for my out of town guests, since they are actually overseas I figure their travel costs are so high that I am going to try to provide accommodations so long as they pay for their own flights.  Just seems like a compromise for the unique situation I'm in, though now I know it's not the norm.

Readers, am I being too cavalier?  With a small wedding, and hired help, is it possible to keep it simple and let all attendees, including bridesslaves…er, bridesmaids, just relax and enjoy the day?  Or am I going to be eating my words here and finding out I have to rely on my maid of honor for a lot more than I think?

Clueless About Bridesmaid Etiquette (What I Wish I Knew Then)

I had a real eye opening experience as a bridesmaid.  It was the first wedding I’d been to since I was a child so I what not really up on my bridesmaid etiquette when my friend asked me to be one.  I was 21 at the time and didn't know what being a bridesmaid entailed, so I asked someone (don't remember who, probably my mom) and they said "you just get invited to parties and show up at the wedding.”  I hadn't talked much to this friend much since we'd graduated college, but I was happy for her, so I said sure, I’d be happy to be in her wedding.

She told me that I could find my own bridesmaid shoes so I’d be comfortable.  And since our bridesmaids gifts were candles it seemed that jewelry was up to us too, so I bought a cute necklace and earrings that were perfect bridesmaid jewelry to coordinate with the dress, but versatile enough that I still wear 10 years later.

All that was fine so far.  But I'd never driven out of state on my own before and as I’ve mentioned before, I have an awful sense of direction (this was long before GPS, kids).  So my stress over the situation started knowing I was going to drive 6 hours to get to her wedding (and yes, I got so lost it added another hour onto my travel time).

Then I learned I had to pay for my bridesmaid dress.  It makes sense to me now, I mean, the bridesmaid gets to keep the dress (though she doesn’t get to choose it) but mom hadn’t mentioned that was customary. And it was actually a very pretty dress.  A lot like the purple bridesmaid dress below.

So while I don’t fault her for making me pay, it was a real shock to my system this bridesmaid dress was more than twice as much as any dress I'd ever bought for myself.  I never bought “couture” before; I handmade my own prom dress.  That freaked me out right there, because I had JUST moved out of my parents' house and started full time work and grad school was not used to supporting myself or budgeting money.  And due to unforeseen circumstances, money was REALLY tight.

Then came the hairstyle I had to pay for.  It was 10 times more money than I was used to paying for a haircut, and at least a haircut lasts more than a single day!

Then the manicure I had to pay for.  I never had one before; I do a fine job of filing and polishing; always thought they were a waste of money.

She didn't tell me about the hair and manicure until I had already arrived in her state, so there was no backing out then!

And then, nothing to do with money, but she wanted me to do a reading.  I'm not of the same faith as her, and when I looked at the piece it made me so uncomfortable that I finally did draw the line there when she told me the day before the wedding that I’d be doing this, and handed it to me.  I felt horrible because I know it was her day, but I just couldn't bring myself to stand in a church and say things I didn't believe in.

Lots of this is common knowledge in terms of bridesmaid etiquette I guess, but back then it wasn't common knowledge to ME and it was a horrible experience.  I was already in debt, so the whole time I felt so mortified, but went along with all the expenses without one word because I didn't want to put a damper on her day.  The friendship didn't last long after that, but like I said, it had been dwindling prior anyways so I felt like she just wanted another person in purple next to her.  I don't think she did any of the above to be mean spirited or greedy, she was NEVER like that.  My point is just that some people have NO CLUE about wedding protocol, and though I asked, I was not given the whole story!

So based on that bad experience, I started thinking about the whole concept of “the roles of people in my wedding.”

Dealing with Uninvited Wedding Guests

I’ve read about other brides' moms inviting guests who they don’t want coming to their wedding.  Guests they don't want to invite for various reasons.  It might be personal, or it might be that they want to keep the guest list under a certain number because of the size of their venue or budget.  I’ve always respected that.  And for months now I’ve felt very confident that I was not going to have to deal with that awkward situation at my wedding.  (Oops).  Because I know my mom, she always says that I'm an adult and can make my own choices (and it's my money) and she supports my decisions.  (...)

See, early on in my wedding planning process, I had some fears about our wedding guest list.  One had to do with an estranged family member, but that person is not the focus of this post.  Another fear had to do with the fact that Adam is very shy and not good with crowds (and though I don’t get “stage fright,” I am also painfully shy) so I want to keep the wedding guest list small.

So I talked to mom about my worries about the guest list.  She agreed that this estranged family member does not need to be invited to the wedding.  Totally respected my feelings and fears about the situation.  It was a HUGE load off my mind.  During this same conversation, I let her know about how concerned I am about Adam being comfortable too.  I want him to enjoy our wedding and be more happy than nervous!  So I mentioned another family member that I was not really comfortable inviting.  Her sister.

Now, my mom complains about my aunt all the time.  She tries to be controlling, she’s kooky, and she’s very self centered.  Mom’s successfully dodged her visits for several years now (she invites herself over every summer and mom’s figured out a way out of it each time).  So we were on the same page when I said, “I’m not sure where to seat her…” and mom said “You don’t have to invite her either.”  Cool.

*Takes a moment to prepare for a flaming for this post*

It’s not that I hate my aunt.  She’s not awful to me.  It’s just that she acts REALLY entitled.  She will hit on married or 20 year old men.  I could see her hitting on Adam on our wedding day, and/or his dad, who is in a relationship (seen her do similar in the past).  She’s fussy, and I could see her insult our caterer (seen her do this in restaurants).  She’s a fashion consultant so she prides herself on what she wears, and I know she would be the one to wear white to my wedding (seen her dress inappropriately for a funeral).  And how often are my new English family going to get together with my blood relatives?  I’m thinking so few that it could take DECADES to erase the image of my family that she paints in a single day from the minds of my new family.  And I’m thinking that her presence is NOT going to make the day more special for Adam (or anyone else, but again, I’m most worried about my future husband on OUR wedding day).

I have a feeling many people would say, “But she’s family.  That’s what the wedding is about, not proper behavior, so laugh it off.”  And I get that.  I do.

But when I think about our situation coupled with my relationship with her in general, my gut tells me to just not invite her.  I haven’t seen her in about 10 years.  She’s never bought me a birthday gift.  When my sister was still a kid and mom was getting things set for Nana's funeral, she bought HERSELF lunch and told us she didn’t get enough for us so we’d have to go buy something (I’d just got my license and we were in a strange town and there was literally no food in Nana’s fridge.  Also, this was well before the GPS was invented and I have NO sense of direction).  So yeah, she’s family, but I’m having fewer than 25 guests.  IMMEDIATE family and friends.  I think that is grounds for disqualifying her.  And it was mom’s idea, so it’s not hurting HER any.  No problem, right?

Well, tonight mom told me, “Your worst nightmare is coming true.”

“Oh?”

“Your aunt has invited herself to your wedding.”

“Oh really.”  I wouldn’t say it’s my worst nightmare, and I was more amused than upset.  “How did she do that?  We don’t even have a date set.”

“Oh.”  Mom thinks a minute.  “Well, I told her you were hoping to get married next summer.” 

“Oh.  YOU told her that, hmm?”

“Yeah.  Oh, I remember.  She was interested about those bridal shows you go to…”

[I’m sorry, just an aside here:  Once she found out that I have been having fun attending bridal shows, she started signing up for some.  She is not getting married or even seeing anyone currently.]

“She was interested in those bridal shows you go to and I told her that you need to tell them the date of your wedding so you tell them August 15, 2011.”

“Ahh.”  I didn’t say anything else.  One of us changed the subject at that point (I think we were getting out of the car and heading into a store and started focusing on the thrill of the impending shopping).  But what I was thinking was, “I wonder how YOU are going to tell her that she’s not coming.”

Like I said.  My aunt doesn’t even buy me birthday gifts.  She’s never called or written to me.  I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 10 years.  If I decided to become a Mrs. tomorrow, neglected to tell her, and she gets put off, that’s no skin off my nose.  I already have my list of who's getting an invitation.

Mom’s the one who talks to her every other week.  Mom’s the one who suggested I don’t invite her.  Mom’s the one who told her when I hope to be getting married before we can even set a date.

Sorry mom.  This one is not my problem.

Looking at Womens Wedding Rings Some More!

Since my three ideas about what my wedding band should be were all turning out to be NOT ideal, I wasn’t sure what I wanted in womens wedding rings anymore.  But the good news was I still had LOADS of time.  Over a year to try to find a nice two tone gold wedding band.  Which means I got to look online at LOTS of pretties!

SO romantic!  If only Adam didn’t hate his handwriting.  With his OCD I just know he’d find something about his writing that he’d forever hate and obsess over when he looked down at my left hand.  Such a shame.  There’s so many pretty womens wedding rings along with the handwritten one here though.  Some with paisley, and wedding vows.  I could look at rings for hours (and I have).

Plus I don't want to deviate TOO much from the look of my rounded band, two tone round solitaire engagement ring.

I could go with my first wish for a plain yellow gold band.  If I chose something very thin it would give prominence to my engagement ring, and if I chose something rounded it would not only be very traditional, but mirror the contours of my engagement ring.  But again, I feared that it wouldn’t sit right up against my diamond.  So I realized that what I’d really like was a band that coordinates with my engagement ring.  One that is two tone, and has a twist.  That would look best, and that would mean there would be a notch that my diamond could fit beside.  But I figured that was going to be impossible.  How do you go about searching online for womens wedding rings that coordinate with a unique looking ring from a tiny family shop?

Eventually, after aimless searching of Google Images I found a ring online that is along the idea of what I wanted.  It’s very pretty, but it looks like white gold instead of yellow, which I prefer.  As I read on I learned it's actually “palladium,” whatever that is.  But at least I learned something.  First, the twist design for womens wedding rings DOES exist outside of Totang.  Second, it seems that the twist style is called an eternity band.  Ah ha!  So I continued my search, still hoping for a two tone gold wedding band.  And I found this:

Now we’re talking!  I found that that wedding ring here.  I like the yellow gold better than palladium, and that notch would DEFINITELY allow for my round diamond to nestle in.  I was finally getting somewhere!
And then I came across this ring that nicely tapers and this really cheap two tone ring (so I fear the yellows will look different,) and it’s cubic zirconia instead of diamonds.  But the funny thing about these two rings, that I just happened to come across using a Google Image search, is that they just happen to be at a shop that’s about a 2 minute walk from where Adam got my engagement ring!  Adam said we can go to HSamuel this summer; so I’m excited!

Looking For a Two Tone Gold Wedding Band

When I was a kid, I thought of womens wedding rings as being a plain gold bands.  Very shiny and rounded.  I was lucky enough to get the round diamond solitaire ring I wanted just like mom.  But her two tone gold wedding band was not the plain yellow gold one I would think of when I thought “traditional wedding rings.”  My dad’s was.  I guess on mom's left hand the diamond had the most prominence so I never paid attention to her band, but a mens wedding ring is the only one dad wore, so it stuck out more.  So for a wedding band dad’s design stuck with me as the “correct” kind.

But my view on that simple wedding band style above sort of changed.  Once Adam and I started talking about getting engaged when I went to see him in England over the summer, we started looking at rings.  He found a two tone gold wedding band, just as my engagement ring is.  But he likes a more matte finish, and a stripe running through like the two tone wedding band below, not the yellow gold band like my dad’s.  Not what I envisioned, but that was fine, I want him to have a style he’ll enjoy. 

So then I wondered about if we were “supposed” to have matching wedding rings.  However, after looking at the ladies version of the mens wedding ring he liked, I realized that instead of trying to talk him into polished gold like I like, or going with brushed gold that wouldn’t really go with my ring, maybe we’d both be happier staying true to our individual styles.  He didn’t seem to be bothered either way, so I started looking around.

Since the plain gold band idea for us was void, and the matching wedding rings for us wasn’t happening either, my next thought was about comfort.  I was a little concerned about how womens wedding rings fit up against the diamond.  I didn’t want to make a mistake I’d regret with a ring that wasn’t comfortable.  I didn’t want them to look mismatched, and I didn't want them to have a gap where they didn't fit up against each other, like this: 

Unfortunately, by the time I thought about this, learned about what a bridal set is, and saw pretty ones like these rings it was pretty much the night before we were going to pick out my engagement ring:

Ooooops.  Of course Adam wasn’t prepared for that, (I give him a lot of credit for not losing it that I even brought it up so late in the game).  I knew it wasn’t right to throw him for a loop with such a big purchase.  I felt nervous because these are going to be on my hand for the rest of my life, and my worries now were more about comfort than the look, but I knew it wouldn’t be fair to push that on him the night before.  I kicked myself for not bringing it up earlier.  I just had to drop it, wait, and hope that things worked out later.

Outdoor Summer Wedding: Wedding Guest Pet Peeves

Another thing I learned from the wedding planning website was biggest “guest pet peeves.”  Apparently, many summer wedding guests hate sitting in the hot sun for a ceremony.  When I was a kid, and felt the warm sun on me as I watched my uncle’s wedding, I thought it felt kind of nice, and peaceful.  Of course I knew I’d need a tent in case of rain, but I didn’t think I’d have to erect it in case of SUN to shield my guests from the Vitamin D and golden rays. But now that they mention it, I could see this being a problem depending on the time of year and the temperature. No one likes to be sweaty.

I guess I didn’t really think about what my responsibilities to my guests would be for a summer wedding.  I had the common sense to plan on seating for the ceremony and bottled water under the seats.  But having a tent in case of sun?  An air conditioner designed for tents?  Holding a morning or evening ceremony?  I hadn’t thought about that.  And I didn’t like these options either.

A tent would ruin the feeling I was going for, the whole point of having a summer outdoor wedding.  The feel of the sun smiling down on us and the expansive feeling that the blue skies would provide, would all be covered up and wreck our photos.  A morning ceremony?  Well, we’re not morning people.  Plus Adam wants a nice plated dinner for our reception (not sure a multi-course lunch is really ideal).  And an evening reception would lend itself more to expectations of dancing, which we don’t want.  Plus it would mean our pictures aren’t golden summer afternoon shots.  

But they definitely had a point.  If I DON’T consider how to keep cool, I’ll sweat in my dress.  My makeup will run.  My hair will droop.  Adam’s going to be in a wool suit and pass out.  My guests will feel tortured.

Maybe an outdoor summer wedding isn’t a good idea.

But if I don’t have a summer wedding, I don’t get a week to spend with his family here, to return the hospitality that they paid me.  I don’t get a few weeks between work and wedding to unwind and prepare.  I don’t get a few weeks between work and wedding to get Adam moved in and acclimated to living here.  If we don’t have an outdoor summer wedding, there goes all my ideas for lawn games as entertainment and getting our families and friends interacting.  And of course as a teacher, I don’t want this to be me.  And a small point, but I’d like to start out a new school year with a new name so as not to confuse my students.

And thinking ahead to the future, I want an anniversary in the summer.  Ideally on the same day he proposed (August 15) but more so, I associate summer time with “our” season.  It’s when we met in person, and my happiest memories with Adam are in the summer.  I equate summer with romance now.  I really want a summer wedding.  Readers, do you have any other suggestions for me on the best way to make this work?  

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Photos courtesy of:

Right About Me                            Corey Ann                Marc van der Chijs              M3umax               
M3umax                                             M3umax                   M3umax                                     Princess Ashley          
Cavinb                                                  Cavinb                       Corey Ann                                 Corey Ann               
Princess Ashley                            Corey Ann               Corey Ann                                 Tiswango         
TenthMusePhotography        M3umax                   Corey Ann       

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Looking for Bride and Groom Cake Toppers with Adam

As Adam and I were looking at wedding cakes, he had pointed out the flowers on top, and I told him that it seems that is the done thing nowadays.  Even though I’ve always kinda thought flowers on cake is weird.  They’re not edible, and don’t seem to belong.  I told him I wasn’t sure what I wanted for a cake topper.  Monogrammed wedding cake toppers, initial wedding cake toppers, hearts on the top tier; I wasn’t limiting my options yet.  So he mentioned that he likes the traditional bride and groom on the top of the cake.

I was SO psyched!  Adam with an opinion on the wedding décor!?  The cake was one thing, but this was a total shock!  And not only that, but secretly, I kinda wanted a couple for a wedding cake topper too!  I feared people might think the bride and groom on the top of the wedding cake would look a little kitchy, a little bit old fashioned, but it’s for a wedding;  If you can’t be over the top romantic then, then when?  So yes, I told him if he liked the idea, it will be so.

I told him that there was one I found at a local craft store with the couple embracing, and he asked to see but I couldn’t find it again.  So he encouraged me to keep looking, and he looked as well.  And we found cake toppers above that were by one of the same designers that I found, but it was a little bit raunchier than we wanted.  There were funny ones too, and really pretty ones, but not the couple I had in mind to show him.

 So after looking a long time, he finally found a nice, traditional one of the groom carrying the bride.  I loved it.  Not only is it nice on its own, and one I probably would have picked, but just the fact that HE chose it too sealed the deal.  We looked at a few more, (above) and there were a few nice ones, ones that both of us agreed on, but the initial butterflies I got when he picked that one weren’t there for any of those, so that’s definitely the most romantic option in my book.  Wow.

Aww :)

I know what they say, that while the marriage itself is about the couple, planning a wedding is really all about the bride, she should just pick what she likes, and the man doesn’t care anyway.  And it took me a while to get used to this, but I did.  After all, if he and I were butting heads for the whole wedding planning stuff, that wouldn’t be fun.  But to have something we agree on for OUR WEDDING felt amazing.  Not sure agreeing on wedding details is the best predictor of agreement during the marriage overall, but it can’t hurt.

A Three Tiered Cake: Adam Gets in on the Wedding Planning!

Adam and I had the nicest talk today.  I told Adam about hunt for a three tiered cake that would be the right size for our small wedding guest list.  He doesn’t act too excited about most of my wedding planning (but how many grooms do?) but the one thing that never fails to pique his interest is the cake. 

By this point I had tasted wedding cakes from a handful of places at various bridal shows.  One place I had checked out was Cakes for Occasions.  They were at the Danversport Bridal show in February.  People at work rave about their gourmet cakes.  So I inquired about if they could make a three tier cake for my small guest list; I figure when the time comes I want to price shop and make an informed decision.  Unfortunately they said the smallest three tier cake they could make for a wedding was for 150 people.  So unless I have each guest bring home 5 or so pieces of cake, that’s not happening.

But there was another place I really liked that was at two separate bridal shows I went to. So I mentioned to Adam about their wedding cake flavors.  At first he said he wants a white (on the inside) cake, but I told him it’s boring, hah.  But I let him know that the beauty of a three tier wedding cake (other than the visual beauty, heh) is that we can pick different flavors for each tier!  I told him I want to pick a tier and he can pick a tier (and he can even have the big bottom tier).  So he got more adventurous, and we perused their online menu.  Now he’s leaning toward red velvet cake with black cherry frosting.  I’m leaning toward a lemon cake with raspberry preserves.  I think they’re both going to be awesome!

Once his appetite was whetted, he even started to get into the LOOK of the cake.  He showed me one, let’s say “whimsical” tier cake and I said no.  He laughed that I just shut him down instantly and I told him sorry, he can have the flavor he likes for his tier, but I am going to be very picky about the look of the cake.  I want it white.  Just white.  And a very traditional three tier cake with some sort of filigree.  The purple stripes and flowers on the black and white cake was NOT going to cut it for me at all (as always, no offense if this sounds like your dream cake, it’s just not the style I’m going for).  So he admitted that when he thinks of wedding cake, he thinks white and traditional is preferable too, and was just teasing me.  So he linked me to another tier cake.  That was the one.  That’s it.  So long as the price is as good as the taste, I’ve got my baker and I won’t even need to go the custom route.  I can point to the three tier cake on their website and tell them “do that again, for us please.” 

Maybe we’ll collaborate on the top tier, but that’s a conversation (and post) for another day.  Plus if I can manage to get him to the place for a tasting, we might find we enjoy a different flavor than we expect.
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Photos courtesy of:
Afroswede          Cherry Pi           Frostnova     
Samdogs             Caribou               Daveynin
Soa2002              Donnaphoto     Amy the Nurse
Basykes              Phil_g                   Karla Cakes        

Choosing the Bridal Party

In the early stages of “I’m engaged now what?” I started worrying about choosing my bridal party.  One thing I learned in my travels to other wedding websites is that you CAN have uneven sides when it comes to the bridal party.  Seeing it in black and white that we can have a different number of bridesmaids vs. groomsmen was SUCH a relief to me, although I felt a little silly for worrying about it in the first place.

We’re having a really small guest list.  Neither of us are close to our extended family, and we’re both pretty shy and reserved, so we want just immediate family and our close friends.  (No looking up old high school buddies on Facebook for us).  So for my bridal party I only want a maid of honor (my sister) and no bridesmaids or I wouldn’t have anyone to WATCH the ceremony, just stand beside me.  On the other hand, although Adam hasn’t exactly committed to who his best man will be and who his groomsman will be, I know he wants his brother and best friend up there with him.

I suppose I could choose one of my friends to be in the bridal party, and the others could watch.  But how do I choose just one without hurting the feelings of the others?  We met around the same time, we socialize pretty much the same amount; there is no “best friend,” we’re just equally friendly.  Preserving my relationship with all of them is more important to me than “matching” the groom’s side.  And I suppose it’s true that maybe I COULD have a discussion with Adam about having “family only” in the bridal party so the sides are balanced.  But not only is this guy his friend from childhood, but if his friend is going to the trouble of flying from England to America then he deserves a special place there.  And Adam hasn’t asked for much regarding the whole wedding thing.  So no, setting a limit wouldn’t make for a happier day for us.  And are people really going to point and whisper, "Look, they can't count, they don't have enough bridesmaids!"  Photos are just as pretty with unbalanced sides.  The couple smiles just as big.

So it’s not like prior to finding advice online about the bridal party I planned to tell Adam, “Pick one because I have one.”  I want him to have all the support that he likes, and not increase the pressure on him when it comes to the wedding.  But I feel less like I’m breaking tradition now that the internets have given me permission to just go with it.  Readers, will your bridal party be uneven?  If so, is it concerning you in terms of the ceremony or formal photos?
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Photos courtesy of:
Ripkas
Gretchen Mahen
Skatoolaki

Massachusetts Wedding Planning Help: Trying a Wedding Planning Website

I needed a distraction from the heartache of losing out on my dream wedding venue.  I decided it was time to check out a popular wedding planning website.

I already learned a lot from more than one wedding planning website.  Previously I found:

• Ideas on what to do at a wedding reception other than dancing 
• Inspiration for wedding color palettes  
• Budget calculators that broke components of my budget down into percentages for me
• Locations of local venues and their open house days
• Sign ups for bridal show expo mailings  
• Wedding planning “to do” lists and timelines
• A free ring sizer 
• Which flowers are in season and wouldn’t wilt for an August wedding 
• A huge wedding dress sale thanks to a bridal shop mailing list I was on 

I never would have figured this out on my own.

But now that I had the basics and new what stuff and money was needed for planning a wedding, I decided to check out the forums on the wedding planning website I picked.  What I really wanted now were some specific suggestions on good vendors.  I liked the caterer, baker,  photographer, dress shop, and tuxedo rental place that I’d found.  But not only did I want to check up on them before I had to book (just in CASE my gut instinct was wrong) I also wanted to find local:

• Classical wedding musicians
• Seamstresses
• Makeup artists
• Hair dressers
• Florists for weddings

I thought I was going to get advice about local vendors and venues, but it wasn’t quite as localized as I hoped.  This was around the time I started the idea for this blog.  I’d already done some research and learned a lot.  And since this REALLY popular website was lacking in that area, maybe I could fill a need on these big wide internets.  So I started this blog as a wedding planning website, so that if you’re planning a wedding in Massachusetts, hopefully it will be helpful for you.

That’s not to say I didn’t learn a LOT on this particular popular wedding planning website.  These ladies had a lot of experience and a lot of opinions.  It was just a little more…personal.  They talked about mother in law problems, (and mother problems) wedding dress advice, and jewelry suggestions.  So, stuff that any bride could relate to, and benefit from, not just brides here in Massachusetts.

But they also seemed to worry a lot about stuff that I didn’t hadn’t really thought about.  I’ve learned a lot about wedding etiquette that I just never would have imagined before.  Some made me think twice about what I planned for my wedding.  Most of it has just added to my wedding planning stress.

• Getting a “better” engagement ring to replace the first one What?!  There’s an interesting way to emasculate your future husband.  Maybe that's easy for me to say because Adam brought me to pick mine out, but still.  Ouch. 
• Save The Dates  The first time I read about giving guests STDs I was appalled, but later learned that it is the norm to sent out pre-invitations called “Save the Dates.” Apparently this invitation gives only the date but not the location and time. Then a second invitation will give the location and time. Why is this necessary? Do people set a date before they have a venue booked? That’s the only reason I can think why this is necessary. I don’t think I need to follow this rule, however, since my guest list is so small Adam and I can easily tell them through word of mouth.
• Wedding shoes I kind of thought the dress would cover my feet pretty well, but apparently photographers take pictures of the shoes alone, or with the ring around the stiletto heel.
• Getting a second wedding dress Why would I want a separate one for the reception?  I’m paying more for the gown than I ever paid for a dress before.  I’m going to wear it for as long as possible!
• Heavy Drinking  Apparently, many people expect lots of alcohol to be served at a wedding.  Now, I’m not a big drinker, and neither is Adam.  I planned on having champagne because it’s elegant, and I’ll never get more elegant than the big white wedding gown.  But having a full open bar?  Not something I planned on.  I am the last person to think about a drink (any drink, I don’t even get a soda with my meals when I get fast food) so I guess I thought wine with dinner, champagne toast, but after that…I didn’t think.

And other stuff like that just made me feel more overwhelmed instead of helping me.

But it wasn't just the superfluous stuff they agonized over that I found stressful.  They also fought passionately on this wedding planning website over things like whether it’s tacky to serve sandwiches at a wedding, or if it’s all about what works/pleases the couple.  They ripped into vendors, even those who posted on seemingly appropriate threads.  They aired their personal issues, and they told these poor young girls that they didn’t understand what marriage is about; they clearly just wanted to wear a white dress to a big fancy party.

I stayed on for a while, hoping to learn more tips from this wedding planning website, but in the end it was clear.  This was dominated by a handful of women who were already married, and for some reason stayed on to let everyone else know if they're doing it right or wrong.  I felt pretty uncomfortable posting on that wedding planning website since I felt like I was in the minority on a number of issues.  Some of them pretty personal.  But I did learn things along the way.  Even if a lot of what I learned was that even though I thought I wanted my wedding to be traditional, there were a lot of traditional things that didn’t seem to fit me.  I guess I want it to LOOK traditional, but I’ll be breaking tradition in order to simplify.  At least I was learning what I don’t like well in advance of having to commit to anything.

Since it’s not time for me to book anything, I still have lots of time to really judge for myself which suggestions to pass on, and which to take to heart.  Readers, are there any wedding traditions that you decided you just don’t need to bother with, and why?
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